How to Handle Sibling Conflicts When Caring for Aging Parents
Why family caregiving brings out old childhood dynamics (hello, resentment!) and how to divide responsibilities without the drama
Nothing quite dredges up old family baggage like caring for Mom or Dad as they age.
Suddenly, you're 11 again, arguing with your sister over who really broke the toaster in ‘93. Only now, instead of appliances, it’s medication schedules, financial decisions, and who’s showing up for doctor appointments.
If you're navigating sibling conflict while caring for aging parents, you’re not alone—and you're definitely not crazy. The roles we play as kids (Golden Child, the Rebel, the Invisible One, etc.) love to resurface just when you're trying to be an adult about it all.
But good news: there is a way to share responsibilities, set boundaries, and keep your sanity intact—even if your brother still thinks he’s the boss of everything.
Let’s dive in.
Why Does Family Caregiving Stir the Pot So Much?
Simple answer? Old dynamics never die. They just go into hibernation until someone needs adult diapers.
When a parent’s health starts declining, stress spikes. And when stress spikes, we fall back into old patterns.
The sister who always "had it together"? Now she’s micromanaging everything.
The brother who was always MIA? Still missing—except when he randomly swoops in with opinions but no action.
You? Stuck in the middle. Again.
What’s really at play here? Three big things:
Unresolved childhood roles and resentment
A lack of clear communication and boundaries
The mental and emotional load of caregiving itself
Caregiving isn’t just logistics—it’s grief, guilt, fear, and love, all stirred together. And when everyone’s already running on emotional fumes, it’s easy for “Can you take Mom to her appointment?” to spiral into “You never do anything, Karen!”
Step 1: Acknowledge the Elephant (Or Childhood Role) in the Room
Start by getting real with yourself—and your siblings—about the roles you each play.
Maybe you were always the “responsible one” and now you’re quietly seething while doing 90% of the work. Maybe your sibling was the favorite and now they’re ghosting every hard decision.
Before you send that passive-aggressive text or write a novel in the group chat, take a beat.
Ask yourself:
What role did I play growing up?
Am I still acting from that role?
What assumptions am I making about my siblings' intentions?
You don’t have to have a full-on therapy session (though, highly recommend it), but just naming what’s happening can lower the emotional temperature in the room.
Step 2: Divide Responsibilities Like Grown-Ups (Or at Least Try)
The goal here? Fair, not equal. Because let’s be honest—equal isn't always possible.
Maybe one sibling lives close to your parents and handles the in-person stuff. Another might be great at finances and can manage bills from afar. A third might only be able to help on weekends or holidays. That’s okay.
Try using a caregiving responsibilities worksheet (yep, those exist!) or set up a family meeting with these key talking points:
What needs to be done regularly? (Appointments, meals, meds, etc.)
What are each person’s strengths and limitations? (Time, distance, emotional bandwidth)
What’s sustainable long-term? (No one wins if the main caregiver burns out)
And hey, keep things organized. No one gets to say “I didn’t know” anymore.
Step 3: Call Out the Resentment (Without Causing a War)
Resentment is sneaky. It builds up over time, like laundry no one wants to fold.
If you’re feeling the simmering rage of shouldering too much while your sibling posts vacation pics from Cabo, it’s time to speak up. Kindly.
Try this script:
“Hey, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed managing everything with Mom lately. I know we all have our own lives and pressures, but I could really use help with [specific task]. Can we figure out a better way to share the load?”
Avoid: ❌ Blame
❌ Shaming
❌ Using the phrase “You never…”
Aim for: ✅ Specific requests
✅ A calm tone
✅ The shared goal of caring for your parent
If things still go off the rails? Consider bringing in a third-party mediator, like a family therapist or eldercare consultant. Sometimes a neutral party can help more than another heated family dinner.
Step 4: Set Boundaries Like a Boss
Repeat after me: “No” is a full sentence.
You do not have to say yes to everything. You do not have to be the hero. And you definitely do not have to tolerate toxic behavior because “we’re family.”
Here’s what setting boundaries might look like:
“I can handle the groceries and meds, but I need someone else to take over doctor visits.”
“I’m not available for caregiving on weekends. That’s my rest time.”
“I won’t tolerate being yelled at. If this keeps happening, I’ll need to step back.”
Boundaries protect your energy and mental health—and they teach your siblings (and parents) how to treat you. Win-win.
Step 5: Don’t Forget to Take Care of You
Caregiver burnout is very real. So if you're skipping meals, ignoring your own health, or daydreaming about running away to Bali every day… it's time to recalibrate.
Build in self-care like it’s a non-negotiable task (because it is):
Schedule guilt-free breaks
Get support—online forums, support groups, or therapy
Celebrate small wins (Yes, even surviving another group text)
You’re doing something incredibly hard and incredibly important. Don’t let it consume you.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Failing—You’re Human
Caring for aging parents is a marathon, not a sprint. And yes, it’s filled with messy emotions, old wounds, and very real logistics.
But here’s the thing: You’re not a bad person for feeling frustrated. You’re not a bad sibling for wanting more help. And you’re definitely not alone in this.
Take it one step, one honest convo, and one boundary at a time.
You’ve got this.
Want more sanity-saving tips on caregiving and family dynamics? Bookmark this blog—or better yet, sign up for our newsletter where we spill the tea (and the practical advice).
Because caregiving doesn’t have to mean losing your mind—or your family.