How to be there for a Grieving Friend
Let’s be honest: grief is awkward. Someone you care about is going through the unthinkable, and you’re standing there like a deer in headlights, clutching a casserole and wondering what to say. If you’ve ever worried about saying the wrong thing to someone who’s grieving, you’re not alone.
Stop Trying to Fix It
This isn’t a problem you can solve. It’s not a flat tire or a broken printer, it’s grief. Deep, messy, human grief. Your role isn’t to “make them feel better.” Your job is to be present and offer support, not platitudes.
What helps:
“I’m so sorry. This is just so hard.”
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”
A hug. An eye-contact-y silence. A text that says “Thinking of you.”
What doesn’t help:
“At least they lived a long life.”
“You’ll feel better soon.”
“Everything happens for a reason.” (No it doesn’t. And if it does, now’s not the time.)
Show Up, and Keep Showing Up
Grief doesn’t run on a schedule. The support someone needs the day after the funeral will look different than what they need three months later. Don’t disappear after the sympathy card hits their mailbox.
What helps:
Setting a reminder to check in every few weeks.
Remembering important dates (death anniversaries, birthdays, holidays).
Offering to help with something specific, “I’m going to Target, want me to drop off groceries?” is 💯 better than “Let me know if you need anything.”
What doesn’t help:
Ghosting after the initial wave of condolences.
Assuming they’ll “reach out” when they need you.
Forgetting that grief can last a long time. (Like, years.)
Be Specific With Your Support
We’ve all heard (or said), “Let me know if you need anything.” It’s kind. It’s well-meaning. And it’s… kinda useless.
Grieving people often don’t have the energy to delegate tasks or identify their own needs. So if you’re offering help, get weirdly specific.
What helps:
“I made a double batch of soup. Can I drop some off Wednesday?”
“Can I take the kids for a few hours this weekend?”
“Want to come over and watch trash TV? No need to talk.”
What doesn’t help:
Vague offers that put the emotional labor back on them.
Offering things you don’t really want to do. (If you hate dog walking, don’t offer to walk their dog.)
Match Their Energy
Some grieving people want to talk. Some want silence. Some want to tell stories, cry, laugh, scream into a pillow, or all of the above. Your job isn’t to lead, it’s to follow.
What helps:
Reading the room (or the text).
Asking, “Do you want to talk about it or be distracted?”
Respecting their need for space, without disappearing.
What doesn’t help:
Steering the conversation away from the person who died because it makes you uncomfortable.
Trying to “cheer them up” when they clearly just need to be sad.
Making it about you. (More on that next.)
Resist the Urge to Share Your Own Grief Story (Unless Invited)
We get it. You’ve been through hard things, too. You want to connect. But unless your grieving friend says, “Have you ever felt like this?” Now is not the time to bring up your dead goldfish, great-aunt, or divorce.
What helps:
Centering their experience, not yours.
If you do share, doing it sparingly, and only if it clearly helps them feel less alone.
What doesn’t help:
Launching into a 20-minute story about your own loss.
Comparing pain. (“I know exactly how you feel…” You really don’t.)
Speak Their Loved One’s Name
People often avoid saying the name of the deceased, like it’s a haunted word that will make things worse. But most grieving people want to hear their loved one remembered. Say their name. Share a story. It’s not weird, it’s deeply meaningful.
What helps:
“I was just remembering the time Mike made us all laugh so hard we cried.”
“Your mom was so kind to me. I still remember how she used to…”
What doesn’t help:
Pretending the person never existed.
Avoiding memories or photos because you don’t want to cry.
When in Doubt, Ask
If you're unsure about what they need? Ask. If you said something and it landed weird? Apologize. You’re human. You won’t get everything right, but showing up with care and humility goes a long way.
Try:
“I hope it’s okay that I mentioned her. Would you rather not talk about her today?”
“Did I say something that felt off? I want to be supportive, not hurtful.”
TL;DR: Support = Presence, Not Perfection
There’s no grief cheat code. But if you’re willing to show up, keep showing up, and ditch the clichés in favor of real, thoughtful support, you’ll be exactly the kind of person a grieving friend needs.
No perfect words required.
BONUS: Quick Hit List of Things to Say (and Not Say)
💬 Try saying:
“I’m here for you, no matter what.”
“It’s okay to feel however you feel.”
“Can I bring over dinner on Thursday?”
“You don’t have to talk, but I can sit with you.”
🙊 Avoid saying:
“At least they’re in a better place.”
“God needed another angel.”
“It’s time to move on.”
“Let me know if you need anything.” (Unless you really mean it, and plan to follow up.)
If you're reading this, it means you care. And caring matters. Even when it’s messy. Even when you say something awkward. Even when all you can do is sit quietly next to someone who’s hurting.
Being there for someone who’s grieving isn’t about having the perfect words, it’s about showing up, shutting up (sometimes), and sticking around.